


I Think I Might Be Scared

by BroImLooking



Series: dream smp fics [4]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Nightmares, Past Abuse, Recovery, Schlatt is only mentioned btw, Self-Hatred, Trauma, Winged Alexis | Quackity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:08:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28907586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BroImLooking/pseuds/BroImLooking
Summary: Quackity has a rough night. Luckily for him, Karl and Sapnap are there for him.Title taken from "Little Pistol" by Mother Mother
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity/Karl Jacobs, Alexis | Quackity/Karl Jacobs/Sapnap, Alexis | Quackity/Sapnap, Karl Jacobs/Sapnap
Series: dream smp fics [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2161431
Comments: 38
Kudos: 996





	I Think I Might Be Scared

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning for talk about past abusive relationships and the resulting trauma. if those things bother you then this is not the fic for you.

Quackity hated the nightmares. 

He barely remembered any details, but waking up every night with the heavy, sickening smell of alcohol still filling his nose and mouth made it very clear who it was who stalked his dreams. His hands were sore where he’d dug his nails into his palms, and they felt tacky with blood.

He felt so stupidly fragile on nights like this, with his entire body trembling and his face sticky with tears. He slipped out of bed and stood, stretching in an attempt to chase the anxiety out of his bones. 

As the residual panic drained, he was left feeling more exhausted than he’d been before he’d gone to sleep. He felt sore, as if he’d been running a marathon with his entire body. He ached from his jaw to his wings to his legs. The familiar feeling of emptiness settled over him, and he wanted nothing more than to just curl up under the blankets again for a week. 

As tempting as the thought was, he had made a promise to Karl and Sapnap that he would wake them if he had nightmares again. They’d decided that after one too many mornings of seeing him with a puffy face and voice hoarse from crying. He’d feel more guilty about lying than he would about interrupting their sleep. 

He walked down the quiet hallway to the bedroom his fiancés were sleeping in. After he’d woken up from a particularly rough nightmare and nearly given Sapnap a black eye in his panic, he’d made the decision to sleep alone in a spare bedroom. It was dark, but muscle memory guided him to the bedroom door.

He paused outside, listening in to Sapnap’s gentle snores. He rested his head against the cool wood and took in a shaky breath. He didn’t belong there, did he? Sapnap and Karl had such a wonderful thing going on, and they’d taken him in with open arms. They’d loved him in a way Quackity hadn’t ever experienced. 

But he was starting to think that maybe he was too broken now for relationships. Everything he felt was through a thick curtain of blankness, with the only strong emotions breaking through being fear and anger. He scared himself. He was getting worse. He knew it, but he didn’t know how to stop it. 

With how jumpy he was, how long would it be before he actually did hit one of them when he was startled? How long until he got angry at one of them and yelled at them? He’d heard the whispers. He knew what people thought of him, and he knew what they thought he was becoming.

Schlatt. 

He leaned back against the door and slid down to a sitting position, not caring about the painful friction on his tiny wings. He buried his face in his knees and tried to fight back a wave of self-hatred. He felt bile rise in the back of his throat at the thought of hurting them. 

He didn’t want to be like Schlatt. The thought of it terrified him. It terrified him to think that he even had the potential to do to Karl and Sapnap what Schlatt did to him. Was he going to ruin them, like Schlatt did to him? Was he going to break them? 

He didn’t realize that he was sobbing until the door suddenly opened and he fell backwards, but instead of the floor he landed against a pair of legs. He choked, scrambling away in panic. The sight of a man standing over him wasn’t one that brought back good memories.

“Quackity?” Karl’s groggy voice was almost enough to pull him out of the panic that was gripping him. He was hyperventilating, but it still felt like he couldn’t get enough oxygen in his lungs. His face and fingers tingled. Was he dying?

Karl crouched down next to him, close enough that Quackity could make out the details of his concerned face even in the dark.

“Baby boy, shh. What’s wrong? Did you have another nightmare?” The familiar, comforting pet name made Quackity calm down a little. He managed to catch control of his breathing, at least. He shrugged, unable to force any words out. He felt sick at how gently Karl was treating him. Couldn’t he see that Quackity was bad? Karl’s touch burned. 

“You’re freezing, do you want to come lay with us? I’ll wake Sapnap up, give me just a second.” Quackity hadn’t even realized how cold it was until Karl mentioned it. He was naked other than his underwear. He had a habit of undressing when he was stressed. He was grateful that Karl chose to not bring his nudity up. They’d tried to have that discussion before, but Quackity couldn’t put it into words. He didn’t know how to explain the things he’d done to cope while he was with Schlatt. He didn’t want them to know how messed up he really was.

Karl pulled away and stood up, and the fear immediately came back even worse than before. He wrapped his arms around Karl’s leg, keeping him from walking back. Quackity knew he was being dumb, but part of his brain was screaming that if Karl walked away then bad things would happen. 

“Woah, woah, hey. Hey, it’s okay- Sapnap! Wake up!” Karl shouted the last part, and that seemed to be enough to wake the sleeping man. Karl turned the light on, and Sapnap sat up in bed, looking confused and concerned. Quackity closed his eyes tightly and continued to cling.

Karl gently pried him off of his legs and helped him up onto his feet. Quackity tried to say something, but the words kept getting caught in his throat. He wondered if he was dying. He was on his last life. Maybe this was it for him.

Karl walked him over to the large bed and helped him sit down. The bed was soft and warm underneath him, and he was acutely aware of how he was trembling. Karl sat down next to him. Sapnap was wide awake by then, and looked just as concerned as Karl. 

“What happened, Karl? Did he have another nightmare?” Sapnap asked, scooting close to Quackity. He was safe, Quackity knew. He shakily reached a hand in Sapnap’s direction, and the man intertwined their fingers immediately. Sapnap’s hands were calloused and warm, bordering on hot. His fingers ended in blunt talons. Quackity squeezed his hand, and Sapnap squeezed his back.

“I don’t know, he didn’t answer me! He’s having a panic attack, I think,” Karl said anxiously, running his fingers through the feathers of Quackity’s wings. Quackity let out a low whine, feeling both incredibly overwhelmed and like he wasn’t getting enough attention. 

Slowly, he began to calm down, his pounding heart slowing, the tears and sobs finally dying down. By the time he was calmed, he had moved to be sitting in Sapnap’s lap with his face buried in his shoulder. Karl was still focused on his wings, grooming them with gentle hands in the way that Quackity had confessed to liking. 

“I’m sorry,” Was the first thing Quackity managed to force out. He leaned back a little, taking in a deep, shaky breath. Sapnap gave him a small smile, but Quackity could see how concerned he was. Quackity hated the pity. He hated how horrible he was. He was souring their opinion on him, he knew. He was supposed to be attractive and funny, and he hadn’t been able to manage either of those things in a long time. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Karl asked, tone light and casual. As if he weren’t bothered by his absolute mess of a fiancé having a mental breakdown at three AM and disturbing his and Sapnap’s sleep. 

The question hit Quackity hard. What would they say if he told them the truth? That he was pretty sure he was becoming Schlatt? That he was just counting down the days until he snapped and hurt one of them?

“I don’t think we can be together anymore,” Quackity said, his voice small and weak. Pathetic. Schlatt had been right about him. Karl’s hands stilled, and Sapnap looked so shocked and hurt that it brought the tears back immediately. Oh no.

“I’m sorry,” He choked out, pulling away from Sapnap and Karl completely. He sat on the edge of the bed, wrapping his arms around himself, wings pressed tightly to his back. Part of him expected rage; expected them to hurt him for wanting to break things off. The fear of it sucked the breath out of him and left him feeling paralyzed. The rest of him knew they would never hurt him, and the fact that he even thought about them like that made him feel horrible.

Sapnap sat next to him, and Karl sat on his other side. Neither of them touched him, and he was grateful for that.

“Hey, listen, Quackity,” Sapnap said, sounding a little awkward, but genuine. Serious emotional moments had never been his strong suit. “If you want to break things off that’s completely fine, okay? But we just want to make sure that’s what you really want first, and not just your nightmares speaking.”

“We’ll support you no matter what,” Karl chimed in, going for lighthearted but failing miserably as his voice cracked. Quackity could see out of the corner of his eyes that Karl was on the verge of tears, and that hurt worse than anything in the world. They loved him so much that it felt like a physical presence in the room, and he almost couldn’t bear it. He had to tell them what was going on. 

“I think I’m turning into Schlatt,” He confessed, pulling his knees up to his chest and hugging them tightly. He rocked a little, trying to brace himself for the inevitable disgust they would feel.

“Oh Quackity,” Karl said, sniffling as he pulled him into a hug. Quackity tensed, but didn’t pull away. It wasn’t the response he’d expected at all.

“You’re nothing like that bastard, Quackity,” Sapnap said firmly, and Quackity shook his head. They didn’t _understand_. He was bad. He was gross and horrible and he needed them to know that.

“You don’t know that. I keep having these dreams about-- About hurting you two. Of me being Schlatt. And now even when I’m awake I’m so angry all the time, and I know just one of these days one of you is going to startle me and I’m going to just--”

“Quackity.” Sapnap said firmly. Quackity shut his mouth instantly, shuddering. This was it. They were going to throw him out. He just knew it. The anger he expected from Sapnap never came, though. Only a soft, sad look.

“You’re not a bad person for those things. You went through hell with that shithead, and I’m impressed that you’ve been holding up as well as you have,” Sapnap offered his hand, like before, and Quackity took it.

“I’m getting worse,” Quackity said, softly. “I’m going to hurt you. I can see it.” 

“I know you wouldn’t ever hurt us on purpose, baby boy,” Karl said, sniffling. He was still hugging him, and it still felt very nice. “You’re nothing like Schlatt. You’re just…”  
  


“Traumatized,” Sapnap finished. “You’re traumatized, Quackity. You’re not getting worse, you’re just safe now, and your brain is only just starting to come to terms with everything Schlatt did to you. It’s okay. It’s part of the healing process.”

“If you still wanna leave us,” Karl wiped his face, taking a deep, shaky breath. “You can. Absolutely. We’ll still be here for you as friends. But you don’t have to. We’re here for you.” 

Quackity closed his eyes tightly. Was it true? Was this really healing?

It felt more like he was coming undone. It felt like the smallest amounts of mental stability he’d had were slipping away, and he was forcing the two most wonderful people in the world to gather the pieces and put them back together. 

“I don’t want to break up with you,” He said, closing his eyes tightly as if that would take him out of this situation. “I’m just scared. I don’t want to be like Schlatt. I don’t want to ruin you.” 

“We’d never let you become like Schlatt. Do you really think we’d let you get away with it if you started to be like that?” Sapnap asked. Quackity shrugged. He supposed that was true. Sapnap was a force of nature. He was half-demon, and very much acted like it. He was fiercely loyal, but Quackity had seen firsthand with Dream that if someone Sapnap loved was being a dick he’d put them in their place.

“And you’re not ruined!” Karl added, insistent. “You’re a little messed up, but so is everyone else.” That was true, too. Karl and Sapnap were probably two of the most stable people on the server, and even they had their issues. Karl still had nightmares about his death (which Quackity still felt sick with guilt over, but that was in the past), and Sapnap was still grieving over Dream’s descent into full villain-hood. They had been best friends, after all. 

“Can I sleep in here for the rest of the night?” Quackity asked, voice small. 

“You’re the one who wanted to sleep away from us in the first place,” Sapnap reminded him, a small smile on his face, just enough to show the edges of his large fangs. Quackity nodded, able to manage a small smile in return. Sapnap turned his gaze past Quackity, looking serious again. 

“What about you, Karl? Are you okay?” Sapnap asked

Karl sniffled and nodded. He was still clinging to Quackity, not that he was going to complain. His weight was comfortable and familiar. Quackity felt bad, though. He didn’t realize how much he’d upset him by suggesting breaking up.

“I’d support you no matter what, but…” He let out another sniffle. “I love you a lot, and I don’t want you to leave us. I plan on marrying you, Quackity.”

“Not if I marry him first,” Sapnap said, laughter in his voice. He didn’t seem too concerned about Karl, so Quackity tried not to stress about it either. He pressed the guilt down and wrapped one of his little wings around Karl. The muscles weren’t used to being moved very much, but Karl’s happy reaction made it all worth it. 

“We should be going back to sleep. I was having a nice dream about kissing a certain somebody,” Sapnap said, running his hand through Quackity’s hair. He knew his hair was greasy and probably unpleasant to touch, but Sapnap didn’t seem to mind. Neither of them seemed to mind how wretched he was. He was a little zoned out, but he vaguely registered Karl agreeing and getting up to turn the lights back off. 

Sapnap said something to him, but he was starting to have a hard time focusing on anything. He was exhausted, and his head felt too full. Sapnap seemed to understand. He guided Quackity to be laying down next to him in the center of the bed. He shivered as he huddled under the blanket. He scooted closer to Sapnap, who was supernaturally warm due to his demonic heritage. 

Karl climbed into bed on his other side and cuddled close, pressing his chest to Quackity’s back. Quackity let out a soft sigh of contentment, the warmth around him lulling him to a peaceful blankness. He felt safe, knowing that Sapnap and Karl would protect him. 

He wasn’t quite asleep when he felt soft kisses being pressed to the back of his neck. He fluttered his wings weakly to show his enjoyment, and he could feel Karl’s smile. He felt so much love it was like his heart was going to burst.

He wasn’t sure when he got to sleep, but he didn’t wake up again for the rest of the night. He had no dreams. 

**Author's Note:**

> hiiii please drop a comment if you liked this, i was nervous about posting this fic lmao.


End file.
